so it's been over 2 weeks (probably closer to 3) and i have not kept up this blog. no surprise there. unfortunately, there is no epic excuse for this - i have just been being my boring self for the past couple of weeks. except for the incident...
last tuesday night, i went to bed like any other night. i think at this juncture it's important to note that i have been living alone for the past three months (for the first time in my life) and that i'm a very very light sleeper. so there i am, sleeping peacefully, dreaming about cadbury creme eggs, days off and volcanoes when a very distinct creaking noise woke me up. i sat up quickly, my heart racing. a psycho killer was obviously in my house, out to impale me for no apparent reason (like in all those horror movies - there's always one or two gratuitous victims at the beginning who have nothing to do with the story but get killed anyways... kinda like a practice run. i was, in my mind, that practice run).
so there i was, 4 am, convincing myself that it was just the house settling and that it was nothing when all of a sudden, i heard it again - moving closer. then something moved in my bathroom! at this point, any and all rational or logic thoughts in my head were replaced by "ohmygodohmygodohmygod someone is here! after me! WHAT DO I DO?!"
what did i do?
i called 911.
that's right - i called 911 at 4 am on a tuesday night (or wednesday morning if you're picky about those things). the conversation went a little something like this (except in french) :
911 lady : 911 what's your emergency?
me : i think someone is in my appartment and wants to kill me.
911 lady : someone is trying to kill you in your appartment?
me : no no, i just think someone is here, and if they are, they must want to kill me.
911 lady : (pause) ok, so you think someone is in your appartment. where are you now?
me : i'm in my bedroom at the very back of the appartment.
911 lady : what's your address? we're going to send over a cop car.
me : 285 dominion.
911 lady : ok fantastic (pause) a car is on its way. are you still in your bedroom?
me : yes (at this point, i grabbed a small but sharp throwing knife i keep on my bedside table).
911 lady : so what makes you think someone is in your house?
me : well i woke up, heard a noise, waited a bit and then heard it again and it sounded like someone walking so i called you guys.
(at this point, i'm noticing how dumb i sound and am thinking "oh god, cancel the cop car")
911 lady : ok, and do you still hear it?
me : we-eelll... i'm walking around my appartment with a knife, all the doors are locked (jesus i'm an idiot), no broken windows, nope, i think i was wrong, no one's here! (please tell me you're calling off the cops)
911 lady : well, we're going to have the cops look the place over just in case.
me : no no, i think i'm fine, i'm really sorry that i made you go through all that trouble...
911 lady : better safe than sorry! besides, the cops are almost there.
me : really, it's ok. i'm good.
911 lady : too late! they're there!
me : can't they turn around? (puzzled silence) ok, no that's fine.
911 lady : can i ask you to do two things before we hang up?
me : sure, whatever.
911 lady : put down the knife and unlock the doors.
me : oh, right. bye.
the cops looked over my appartment, asked me a few questions (i think they were trying to assess whether or not i was on drugs) and then left, not before telling me there were SIX squad cars outside my place. i almost called in sick the next morning just to avoid the neighbours.
either way, i've determined that some sort of mutated rodent is behind all that noise - there's no way a regular sized, small rodent made all that noise. i wish i could provide you with some sort of drawing of what i'm imagining, but i lack allie brosh's mad skills. just imagine a giant rat-cat-carp-snake creature. that's what made me call 911.
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